Yeah, we’re talking D&D again.
Setup: The party is in a battle with lamias. They’ve gotten the drop on us with a clever disguise, so one of them has already taken the minute required to cast a geas on my character (Zebulon the dragonborn ranger, a desert nomad who longs to see the glaciers) to “defend us.”
Short-sightedly, they’ve also summoned a bunch of mephits and pretended that they’re being attacked by them. So Zebulon and his pet Komodo dragon Taki have been punching mephits for a couple rounds… but everyone knows that once the mephits are down, Zebulon is gonna be grappling his allies to keep them from attacking his new friends.
One lamia goes down. The Tempest cleric uses gust of wind to throw the other one into the river.
The last mephit goes down.
Zebulon’s an archer, he’s been hanging back the whole time. But his new friend is in the river, and she’s a cat: She can’t swim. He’s gotta save her. And to do it, he’s got to get though the whole party.
The route direct, to the barge she’s floating by, takes him past five party members. Five attacks of opportunity ensue, everyone trying to grapple my dumb idiot ranger so he doesn’t drag the man-eating horror back on shore and then start defending her.
The wizard goes first. Miss.
Then comes the bard. Zebulon’s got an AC of 17, this just isn’t happening.
Fighter #1 next. He tags me, but Zebulon just shreds him on the opposed Athletics check: The gauntlet’s down to two.
Now we’ve got the monk. He hits, and by now we’re counting down the rolls for the opposed Athletics check: 3! 2! 1! Zebulon rolls something mediocre; the monk rolls a 3. Zebulon shrugs off A FOURTH grapple and faces his final intervention.
Fighter #2, another dragonborn but much tankier, rolls to hit… and gets a hand on Zebulon. 3! 2! 1!
… it’s not quite a natural 20, but close enough. Howling and kicking, Zebulon goes down in a pile of scales, long enough for the team to take down the last lamia and break the geas.
I’ve never had more fun being completely useless in combat. What a moment.
(Sure, he technically could have taken the disengage action to avoid all that. But five nonlethal PVP attacks of opportunity was objectively the better choice.)
Currently reading: LET THIS RADICALIZE YOU, by Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba, read by Diana Blue.